This past week alone has been an emotional roller coaster for me. But it has definitely taught me a lot and made me realize things that I wouldn’t have appreciated before till all of this happened. Have you ever wanted something so badly, only to have it fall apart right before your eyes? But then realized that you didn’t appreciate it till it was gone or taken away from you… I felt that way and for so long, I was trying to hold onto something that I knew I had to let go even if it meant letting go of it for only a little while. I had to learn to be strong and be selfish for once, I had to learn to think of myself and my happiness before I worried about everyone else’s. I had to learn to let go for the better, to let things fall apart on its own instead of focusing on trying to make things better because clearly some of these instances were beyond my control. Now that the problem was solved and decisions were made, I had some time to really reflect on the entire situation and realized so much more. Words can’t justify emotions, they can merely express how one truly feels. For awhile, I was afraid to say how I feel because that meant admitting my mistakes, my fears, my worries, and unnecessary thoughts. Not until I finally opened my eyes to realize that I was worrying too much and letting things affect me so much did everything become so much clearer. I was inspired this weekend to do so much more, to fight for my dreams and what I really wanted, to rekindle things about myself that I always tried to hide or pushed aside because I never thought that I was good enough, to reflect upon who I am and who I want to be one day in the future. And I did. Something about me is different, but it’s a good different. The kind that changes you for the better and motivates you to become an even better version of yourself. So from now on till the time is right again, I promise to only better myself and to be the best version of myself every single day. I promise to set my priorities, to figure my life out, to set my goals and find any possible way to achieve them. I’m just so thankful to have you in my life to inspire me to be selfish for once and think solely of myself instead of worrying so much about everything else. I know it may not make sense but I know that only you will understand. Your considerate and thoughtful nature has proven to me that this is real. It always has and always will be.

While you venture into the world and grow individually, I promise to do the same. Who knows what the universe has in store for us, but thank you for reminding me that somehow it always brings us together in the end. Even if it will test our patience and everything in between, I always know it’s worth it. It can only get better from here, I know it. 

Thought it was time for some change. Got rid of my long, boring locks and layered it all over(:

It just amazes me how somehow you always prove me wrong and still find different ways to show me that your feelings for me are real. Even from hundreds of miles away, I can feel it all the way from here. Whenever I’m starting to have doubts or experience moments of weakness, I swear you have perfect timing and rescue me from it all. It’s like you just know, without even having to see me or hear my voice that there’s something wrong and find the perfect time to just make it all better instantaneously. It’s as simple as that but the impact that you have on me is tremendous. I’m forever changed by you. Even if we don’t talk to each other all of the time or as much as we used to before, even if I probably won’t be able to see you for maybe another month, or even if our busy schedules never seem to match.. they can’t take what’s ours. They can’t change the way that I feel about you. I don’t regret the decision that I made to be with you one bit. I know that it seems as if we’re being tested right now but you reminded me to just take things day by day and smile just knowing that I have everything that I could ever ask for. And you’re right, I should just be thankful that I have someone as amazing as you in my life. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I really wouldn’t. I’m just counting the days till I can see you again and remember why the wait is worthwhile. It just hurts, missing you too much the way that I do. I’ve learned so much from my past and have used it to better myself and the way that I used to look at things. Everyday is a challenge, that I’ll admit but at the end of the day just being able to talk to you reminds me that it’s worth every second even those that I spend away from you. So thank you, for always believing in me, for always giving me the strength and courage that I need, for always making me smile even during the hardest times, for putting up with me and my various moods, and for loving me for all that I am. 

People often overlook the simple things in life and don’t take the time to stop and smell the roses. They don’t have the patience to just reflect upon things and just be thankful. Instead of enjoying the moment, we worry so much about the future concerning the things we have to do in so little time. Instead of focusing on the present state, we look back to our past and try to compare it to the way that things are now. Or we let the fear of the unexpected future succumb our minds and change the way we feel about things. I’ve been trying to change this about my everyday life because I realized recently that I’ve been guilty of doing this all. I let my fears and worries get the best of me sometimes. I let unnecessary thoughts take over my mind and alter my moods. Instead of just basking in the moment and taking it all in, I do the complete opposite and stress over every little thing especially the things that I cannot control. I let it affect me so much and I hate it. I dislike how much it changes me and ruins everything. I never seem to have faith in myself and I am constantly so hard on myself. But this, I must work on and change. I need to break out of these bad habits and truly appreciate the little things in life. I need to do this before I start to lose control and slowly lose myself along the way.

Let’s take it day by day, tackling only one thing at a time instead of trying to do everything all at once. It is true when they say that it’s the simple things in life that we forget. We shouldn’t let this happen. We should always be thankful and humble.

I drove 5 hours all by myself just to visit him. I literally spent only 24 hours with him but I thought that every second I spent with him was worth it all. I spent so much money on gas and drove for a total of 10 hours within the past two days but I don’t regret it at all. I haven’t been up north for the longest time ever and I made a promise to him that I would visit him over break. I didn’t plan on breaking my promise and thankfully everything turned out perfectly. I got to see a part of his life that I’ve never seen before and it honestly made me fall for him even more. It was really nice being able to witness parts of his life that I’ve always wanted to see and share that with him, creating new memories that I won’t forget. Finally meeting his family and closest friends made me feel special and justified everything about us. I know people may think that I’m crazy and ridiculous for doing all of this, but honestly what wouldn’t I do for love? I am so thankful to have him in my life and there’s nothing I would change about us, besides the distance. It’s just crazy how I find myself here years later, facing the real issue of distance but the timing is finally perfect. It’s finally all coming together. It may have taken a long while to get to where we are today, but I wouldn’t change a thing about it. You are definitely worth it all. You were worth the wait. I just had to prove it to myself and to you about how real this is. Like we’ve said before, this is the realest it can get. We’ve both made a decision and I stand by it 100%. I’ve been the happiest since you came back into my life. I’m just so happy, I don’t think you understand the impact that you have on me and my life. What’s crazy is that you’ve been there right in front of me, the whole time. It can’t get any better than this. I’m just curious to see where life will take us from here :) You’re truly a blessing in disguise. 

This transient state has left me speechless. For once, everything is going perfectly and I shouldn’t complain about a single thing. Sometimes I think it’s too good to be true because I’m definitely not accustomed to any of this, to feeling as good as this. Not one bit. It’s as if all of my hard work and patience has finally paid off. It makes me really believe in the whole notion that good things come to those who wait. I’m just stunned at how everything is just amazing the way it is, I don’t want to jinx myself but it’s the truth. I can’t help but smile even for no real reason at all. It just feels so nice knowing that things are finally turning around and that my life is changing for the better. I’m proud of how far I’ve come and it is more prominent now more than ever before of how much I’ve grown as a person. I’ve made it this far on my own, but I promise to continue striving to be even better than I am now. There’s so much more out there for me and I know it. Only time can tell but I can only hope for nothing but the best. I’m just beyond thankful at the moment. Whether this is merely temporary and fleeting, at least I know that I will remember this point in my life. It’s been a long time coming and I’ve waited for this. After everything that I’ve been through, I think this is a much deserved state of euphoria.  

I feel so disconnected from home, from the people I haven’t seen or talked to because I’ve been so caught up with my life here. I know that I’m at fault because I’ve been so busy and barely have enough time for myself with everything going on at once, but it just hurts. It hurts a lot not knowing things and feeling like a horrible person for not being a good enough daughter, sister, niece, friend to the people that I love. I just feel so guilty because I could never find the right balance. I could never please everyone, I know that, but I always wish that there was more that I could do. I’m literally trying to take things day by day that I will admit that I let things slide and don’t even realize it. I just want time to fast forward a little so that I could finally appreciate the much needed break that I deserve from it all. These past few months have really tested me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I’ve been struggling so much and it has barely turned around and turned into something better. It took a long time for me to get to this point right now but I still feel like it’s just not enough… I should be happy right now, but I’m not. I’m still disappointed in myself, always thinking that there’s more that I could have done. Something always has to bring me down and make me realize that I don’t actually have everything under control.. Story of my life. I just feel like my efforts sometimes aren’t enough even when I try so hard, even when I try my best.. But there’s nothing more that I could possibly do at this point except to continue trying.. even though it’s so hard to and I just want to give up. 

Everything about us is different, we’re nothing like the rest. All of this is new to me and I know that it is something that I will eventually have to become accustomed to but I honestly cannot complain. Everything is just so much better with you in my life, I know that I say that a lot but it’s the truth. I know that some people may think we’re a little crazy for thinking and feeling this way but I honestly wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s been a long time coming and just like you said, our time will come soon. All of this is real. Sometimes I literally have to pinch myself and squeal just to make sure that this is real life because it seriously feels like I’ve been living in a dream. You’re simply so unexpected but so necessary. You have definitely changed everything in so little time. But because I know that this is real, I am not hesitant to let things happen all on their own. I haven’t been this happy in so long and it’s seriously all thanks to you. It’s the little things that you say or do for me that never leave my mind. You’re always there, you’ve always been there. Just like I had promised you. Timing has always been an issue but I just feel like it’s finally right. Distance doesn’t even matter anymore.. That I am certain we can change soon enough. It’s simply perfect how fate has brought us together like this again… 

I’m counting the days.. Till I can finally see you again and I simply cannot wait any longer :)

There are lot of things that I miss… A lot of different people who used to be in my life that I can’t help but wonder about and miss. A lot of different things in my life that used to matter but now they don’t matter as much as they used to. It’s just weird looking back on who you used to be a year ago and notice that some of the people who you thought that were always going to be there, just aren’t there like you hoped they would be. But people come and go for a reason, right? People change. Things change. Life goes on. So they say, but for some reason… these memories, these people, and these things just never actually go away. They still exist in my mind. And sometimes I just can’t help it. They always remain a part of me, shaping me into the person that I am today. If it wasn’t for these people, for these experiences… I honestly wouldn’t be the same. Life would be so different, more different than it already is now. There’s honestly nothing that I could possibly regret at this point in my life. It all happened for a reason. I definitely learned a lot from it and I take it with me everywhere I go. I just wish that I could change things and make it all better, I know that I can… But I’m just afraid of looking like a fool in the end because I still care. Still hoping that I still matter, that I still exist in their eyes. I guess I’ll never know unless I try. Here’s to making amends, to forgiveness, to rebuilding bridges and reconnecting lost ties. This Lenten season, I promised to cut all of the negativity in my life and to make myself better, to make my life even better. And this is one way I hope to do so. 

I told her all of my worries and fears about the future. I admitted that I’m so afraid of what is yet to come and I don’t like the uncertainty that comes with it. I confessed that I was losing hope and it bothered me so much how horrible things always happened and changed things. But she told me that my everyday motto should be “Tomorrow’s a new day, whatever happens today will be different from what you feel, think and will endure tomorrow. So you should never give up hope. That’s the one thing you should never give up on in life.” Something as simple as this has reminded me to never give up hope and to continue trying. Perseverance is a virtue. Once it’s gone, it will be hard to attain again.

Thank you, Mama. For motivating me and giving me something to believe in again. And for always believing in me, even when I don’t always believe in myself. So now I promise to never lose faith, to never give up hope, and to never doubt in the plan that God has laid out for me.

I needed a break. I needed to get away from it all. I needed time for myself and time to breathe, to soak it all in and not think so much. My therapeutic drives home are things that I enjoy the most. But this time, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I tried to pull myself together and just focus on nothing but the road that lay ahead, but it was so hard. And these nightmares that I’ve been having lately aren’t helping either. Here I am, trying to pull myself together but I just feel like it’s all slowly falling apart. But luckily, I have tried to eliminate the negative thoughts, the emotions that I’ve been trying to hide, and actually tried to just breathe and let it all go. Home is definitely where my heart is. I find myself more home sick than ever before lately and I didn’t realize it till now. With the chaos and madness that I endure while away from home, I forget how simple and relaxing it is to be home and to feel the love from my family and friends. I’ve missed it too much. Lately, all I’ve wanted was to finally have a chance to go home and not have to worry so much or think about all of the things I need to do or haven’t done. Now I never want to take it for granted. I definitely appreciate it so much more now. I needed this, more than you know.

I was talking to my best friend and he said this, it definitely caught me off guard because I did not expect such a response from him especially at that exact moment. But it definitely opened up my eyes and made me see things from a different light. I’ve been struggling a lot lately but I never want to admit it. There are so many different things that I need to keep track of and sometimes I fail to do so, just because it’s been tough and I always feel like my head has been too cluttered with thoughts, some so unnecessary and irrelevant that the important things sometimes go unnoticed. Emotionally, I feel slightly unstable and vulnerable. Physically, I’m beyond exhausted. Mentally, it’s been cluttered and so messy. And in the midst of it all, I have forgotten what it felt like to simply enjoy the moment because I have thought so pessimistically and constantly blamed myself for things, even the things that I simply cannot control. Lately, I’ve had to be reminded that I’m doing just fine and to remember my worth. I used all of this as a way to ignore the good that has been present in my life and focused on all of the things I don’t have, the things I didn’t do, and the things that I can’t control. But after hearing him say this to me and saw how he looked at life, I was reminded that it’s another obstacle but with faith and guidance, I should never doubt in Him because he WILL lead me down the right path. It’s just another challenge, another hurdle in life that I have yet to overcome. I shouldn’t dwell on my sadness and stress out too much. Instead, I should be finding solutions to my problems and avoid placing myself in horrible situations that I CAN control. It is something that I will overcome. I just have to believe in it, I have to learn to believe in myself, and to never doubt that God will be right by side to guide me. There is nothing that He won’t put me through, that he knows that I cannot overcome. I will succeed. I will get through all of this. This too, shall pass. And I shouldn’t be foolish enough to ever doubt that. Lessons will be learned, experiences will remain, and good will come from it. I may not see it now, but I know that I will one day soon enough. 

Nothing comes close to you. It’s been proven, once again. 

I know you tell me not to wait for you, but something always reminds me to do otherwise. The best things take time and distance shouldn’t matter. You still make me the happiest and the only one I’m really willing to wait for. The only one who doesn’t play stupid mind games and has been real with me since the very beginning. Nothing else matters. At the end of the day, you’re still the one who’s always on my mind. It’s going to happen someday, I already know it. I can’t explain how I know but I just do. My gut feeling has been telling me lately that I should just let fate run it’s course. It’s just crazy to me how you’ve been right in front of me all along. It’s something special and it’s been proven countless times that no one else can compare.. What more could I possibly want? Honestly, nothing. It’s always been you. And right now, no one else can tell me otherwise. I know what I feel is real and the same goes for you. So thank you, for making me believe again. Whenever I think about these things, you always come to mind and I honestly cannot help but smile just knowing that it’s you. 

I usually don’t like letting other people in. On the rare occasions that I do, it’s because I see something different about the person.. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s true. So I’m sitting here wondering what it is about some people that have me willing to give in so easily because it’s so not like me. I even have trouble believing some of the things that people say to me, always trying to call them out on their lies. But it’s just different now.. It’s like I’m letting you in so easily and believing every word that you say. And I catch myself, seriously wondering why all of a sudden I’m acting like this. So uninhibited and so willing to finally let someone else in. Mind you, it’s not because romantic feelings are involved either. But it’s just a unique feeling. I don’t even have to try to explain myself to you because somehow you always understand. I honestly don’t know how but you do. It’s this weird effect that you have on me and my mind is just willing to reveal all of my thoughts… that no one else knows. Uncovering secrets and emotions that I always try to hide. You just changed it all in so little time. And now I’m just left in awe. I don’t know how or why, but you just do. But I thank you, for reminding me to try to let someone else in and for just always being there for me when I need it the most. You’re just something else.