In times of comfort and need, you come back to me. You always do. I don’t mind it but I’ve noticed that whenever you’re troubled or suffering a loss, you revert back to me for that sense of comfort. I don’t know why you do. Especially since it’s been such a long time since we last talked and had a meaningful conversation… But I can’t complain. Sometimes I like being that person you run to because you know that I’d always support you, offer you advice, and would never judge you. But at the same time, I just question your motives and why.

I guess that feeling never really goes away, does it? That feeling of comfort and optimism you get from talking to me. That connection we have. That feeling when you know that I’ll always be there for you and never hesitate to do things to make you happy. That feeling when you know I’d do my best to try to make you feel better and slowly find ways to ease the pain. I know, I get it. I long for that too. But sometimes, I just don’t want to be that girl to you anymore. I’m sorry.

Bonding with my dad today, we haven’t done this in awhile and I really miss it. It makes me so happy and it’s exactly what I need(:

He apparently doesn’t like my hair now, haha but he likes my music. I guess you can’t win them all. But I’m not complaining. It’s just a reminder that no matter how old I am, I’ll always be daddy’s little girl.

It just keeps on getting better and better every single time. I can’t even seem to find flaws. You continue to prove me wrong. I’m really not used to this at all, but I like it.You amaze me. You’re just so.. different. And I’m not complaining at all. You know I was really upset earlier today but instantaneously, you turned it around and I literally forgot about why I was so upset and flustered. You’re so wonderful. And I hope you know that. 

And I sort of don’t want these butterflies in my tummy to go away. You’re slowly convincing me that running away isn’t an option, it shouldn’t be. It should never be a reason or an excuse. Whatever happens, happens right? Well just so you know, my fingers are crossed(:

Sometimes, I just feel like I’m asking for too much. Or I feel like I’m not as appreciative of some things and I don’t know why. I feel like some things have become so irrelevant or so normal that nothing seems to deviate from the rest. It’s like I’m just so used to some things that I can no longer seem to cherish their value as much as I used to or I’d like to. But when that one thing, that one person who actually means something to me, does or says something… it makes a huge difference. It somehow changes everything. It’s like the world stops and I’m left in awe. So starstruck by words, so encompassed by emotions, and my whole world is changed. I can’t even put it into words or try to describe its impact on me even if I tried to. 

How can something so small, so simple but yet so heartfelt and meaningful change everything? It finally hit me. I now know the reasons why. I can finally see it. But the thing is, I’m so terrified by even the thought of it. I don’t feel worthy enough to have it. And I don’t feel ready. So I’m pushing it away, trying to diminish it, denying it and finding reasons not to pursue something when in my heart, I know that it’s exactly what I want. Exactly what I need.

Just when I finally find reasons that make me want to stay, I have to leave it all behind and walk away. Not because I want to, but because I have to or well I should. I’m completely lost. And I honestly don’t know what more I could do or what could possibly save me from this. 

I’m supposed to know what’s best for me? I’m supposed to trust my heart and my instincts? I’m supposed to grasp onto every opportunity that could benefit me? I’m supposed to focus on my future and think about success? I’m supposed to not let things pass me by? 

BUT HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ALL OF THIS?! I’m only nineteen years old, I still have my whole life to live. I know that I have such big dreams, such high hopes, and I have the utmost capacity and determination to achieve each and every single one of them. So I can make everyone else proud.. So I don’t have to deal with the thought of letting people down.. RIGHT? But what if in the end, I’m the one that’s not happy? Just the thought of all of this scares me. It’s one big contradiction, one huge mess that all leads to one BIG decision… And I’m honestly not ready for this. 

This is exactly what I want. & I couldn’t have agreed more!

Some of the best advice my silly gave me last night(:

to have the privilege of knowing such sweet boys and having them be a part of my life. It’s so nice hearing it from those around me about how sweet, thoughtful, and considerate these boys are. It’s unanimous!(: But really though, it makes me feel like one lucky girl just knowing that I can always count on them for anything, for always being there for me, putting a smile on my face, and doing such thoughtful gestures not because they have to but because they genuinely WANT to. I don’t know a lot of guys who would do such things for me, without me even asking. You know who you are(: And I could never thank you enough. I try my best to show my appreciation towards you and I promise I won’t ever stop. 

Just a reminder that someone truly appreciates you and all that you do. For being who you are and promising to never change. Let’s just say that your mama’s raised y’all well(: Girls need you in their lives as a reminder, as living proof that GOOD still exists out there. Any girl would be so lucky to have you and I mean that :) I’m not one who lets anybody in, but those that I’m closest to are seriously the best. I really am thankful. Just know you give me hope<3 

I’m just not used to this. Not at all. I keep psyching myself out and expecting the worst only to be proven wrong every single time. It’s all in my head, isn’t it? I’m just afraid. Afraid to let someone else in. And that’s when I start to question whether or not I’m ready for anything. My answer is always no. I want to believe I’m wrong and to finally convince myself that there’s so much good out there, I just have to learn to give it a chance. I can’t keep this mentality any longer, I’ll just find myself running away and finding more reasons not to believe in something again. And I want to, I really do. If I could see it in those around me, then I should know that it IS real right? Maybe I just don’t know what I believe in anymore. I know it’s out there somewhere. I know that you exist, somewhere. Slow progress is better than no progress<3 You give me hope. I don’t know how or why, but it’s true. I guess I just have to take a leap of faith and see for myself. 

& here is the end results(: Yay for shorter hair with a bunch of layers<3 I look so different from how I did a year ago, it’s a little crazy :P 

I realized what I missed the most… 

their families and how well I got along with them, especially their mothers. I really loved how they welcomed me into their homes, their lives, and how they treated me so well. There was not a single instance where I didn’t feel welcomed and personally loved by them. I guess I left that impact, you know. It’s something to feel honored and proud about, being the girl they take home to meet their families. Perhaps the first, but I’d rather be the last. This came into my mind this weekend when one of my guy friend’s wanted me to meet his mom when I was dropping him off. HA. It reminded me of everything. But maybe the most important thing would be for MY FAMILY to really love him.. the same way that they love my future brother-in-law. That’s my goal, I’ve already decided. A few have come close, but not close enough. Maybe the next one will(: 

You won’t even believe what I just did.. Spending the past how many minutes now just looking back on things and laughing at how silly and naive I was. Hahah good times, good times. 

I never noticed how often my friends always come to me for advice, support, or help in multiple ways till recently. It always came natural and it became something so automatic that I never would even hesitate or think twice about what I was doing or saying to them. But I’m not complaining at all. Actually, I don’t mind it at all. I actually enjoy and take pride in fulfilling such a role because I know that not everyone can hold such a position and never complain. It makes me feel important, it makes me feel good about myself and my positive influence on others. It makes me even happier when I know that I performed a good deed or did everything in my ability to satisfy someone else’s needs and make them feel better. I guess it’s true, what some have said about me… I never hesitate and I never complain. Whatever is asked of me, I’ll do it regardless. I’d find a way to make it happen. I guess it’s just nice knowing that I’m reliable and someone that others can always depend on. That I can be someone’s rock during their times of weakness and pull everything back together. That I can be the “staple of their life”. Cheesy and cliche, I know but it’s true. I guess I never really noticed my impact on those in my life till now even though so many have pointed it out in the past. I guess I never really believed it for myself. 

Who would have thought that a girl like me would solve everyone’s problems, be the comfort & guidance, the one that puts others in place when they have lost track of themselves, and play the role of rescuer in everyday lives. Although I do so much and put myself into situations that sometimes I don’t think I can personally handle, I still find a way. I always do. I really do try to fulfill the role of “superwoman” whenever applicable or necessary and I never seemed to notice it till now. Maybe that’s why I want to be a psychologist, to save people’s lives and to change the world one day at a time. HA(: 

I am officially hooked on pinterest, all thanks to my roomie(: 

Y’all should check it out sometime & follow me: trishajael 

Off to studying again and then off to bed, goodnight<3 

I came across something today, I’m not even sure if I was supposed to see it but I did. It reminded me of a dream I had that made no apparent sense back then. But now it does. I don’t know how to feel, whether to be worried or concerned. Or to be nonchalant and not care at all. But that would be a lie because I do. I hope you’re okay. I hope everything is alright. My prayers tonight go out to you.

Maybe it felt a little too nostalgic. Reminding me of things, things that I can’t seem to really forget. No matter how hard I try to…

It’s been a long, hectic week. Bren week is almost over. As of right now, I am seriously just thinking that the one thing that would make me SO HAPPY is if someone surprised me and showed up to PACN. Something as little as that. Signs, flowers, or anything of the sort wouldn’t even be needed. Just a simple but cute surprise. All I’d really want is your presence there. A hug and a smile, would seriously cure it all in an instant. Everything else would seriously just disappear and I’d be left smiling for days. It’s the little things, you know? That really matter to me. And I’ve been crossing my fingers, just hoping that something like this could or would even happen. 

It seems like wishful thinking, I know. But a girl can dream right? 

I’m a girl. I over analyze things. I always second guess myself. I get really self conscious. I stress out and freak out over really dumb things. I get emotional sometimes. I have the tendency to over think. I periodically get crazy mood swings. I’m contradicting, complicated, and very indecisive. I could get jealous easily. You name it, I know that I’m certainly guilty of it all. But in the midst of it all, I just know that every girl just wants someone who would accept her, who wouldn’t judge her, and who would be willing to stick around. I’ve heard so many guys complain about girls to me and I just sit there and think… “Damn, is this how other guys think about me too?” Because I know that I have acted that way or said something similar to what those girls have said at least once in the past. And then I start thinking, it’s not necessarily the fact that all girls are the same but it’s just that we think alike, act alike, and feel the same way. It’s the fact that we can just relate to one another. And I know that sometimes, guys don’t seem to understand that. They always talk about a “perfect” girl or how they’d want their “future girlfriend” to be like, naming characteristics left and right from physical appearance to personality. I’m not saying that girls don’t do it either, because I know we do. HA. But I’m just saying, if some guys actually took the time and effort to get to really know a girl.. Well then, maybe they would find “that girl” that they’re looking for. Instead of always chasing for the girl for “the moment” or judging girls solely based on their appearance, why don’t you actually become friends with a girl and get to know her better? Or better yet, think about and truly appreciate the girls who are already in your life. They already know you pretty well, don’t you think? The best kind of relationships are those where you start off as friends first, in my opinion. Don’t you agree?