Trisha | Twenty | UCI | LA<3
Welcome to my world, my thoughts & everything in between.
I’m a girl. I over analyze things. I always second guess myself. I get really self conscious. I stress out and freak out over really dumb things. I get emotional sometimes. I have the tendency to over think. I periodically get crazy mood swings. I’m contradicting, complicated, and very indecisive. I could get jealous easily. You name it, I know that I’m certainly guilty of it all. But in the midst of it all, I just know that every girl just wants someone who would accept her, who wouldn’t judge her, and who would be willing to stick around. I’ve heard so many guys complain about girls to me and I just sit there and think… “Damn, is this how other guys think about me too?” Because I know that I have acted that way or said something similar to what those girls have said at least once in the past. And then I start thinking, it’s not necessarily the fact that all girls are the same but it’s just that we think alike, act alike, and feel the same way. It’s the fact that we can just relate to one another. And I know that sometimes, guys don’t seem to understand that. They always talk about a “perfect” girl or how they’d want their “future girlfriend” to be like, naming characteristics left and right from physical appearance to personality. I’m not saying that girls don’t do it either, because I know we do. HA. But I’m just saying, if some guys actually took the time and effort to get to really know a girl.. Well then, maybe they would find “that girl” that they’re looking for. Instead of always chasing for the girl for “the moment” or judging girls solely based on their appearance, why don’t you actually become friends with a girl and get to know her better? Or better yet, think about and truly appreciate the girls who are already in your life. They already know you pretty well, don’t you think? The best kind of relationships are those where you start off as friends first, in my opinion. Don’t you agree?
For once, I am not the one having “relationship” problems or “boy” problems and I am actually so proud of it. I can’t explain it. I probably sound quite stupid and ridiculous right now to some of you but I have literally spent a majority of spring break so far just reuniting with my best friends that I have not seen in forever. And after hearing them rant to me about their relationship problems, I just sat there thinking about how lucky I am to NOT have to go through something like that because I honestly don’t know how I would deal with it. I was eagerly listening to them and trying to give them the best advice I could possibly give from my own experiences of being in relationships. But at the end of the day, they made me realize a lot. I can honestly say that I am happy and content with the way that my life is right now. I refuse to let something stupid ruin it or to have unnecessary drama get in the way. And they helped me realize how much I truly want to keep those promises that I made to myself after my last relationship.
I promised myself that I would just go with the flow and see where my life takes me, that I would try to be the best that I can be and I’d finally learn to love myself. That I’d place myself and my needs first. That I would learn to appreciate myself and accept my flaws, to try to see myself in another light instead of constantly being so hard on myself. And I was told that once I achieved this, once I am finally happy and living my life the way that I want it to be, that someone special would enter my life and would want to be a part of that happiness, to share and indulge in that happiness. That he wouldn’t try to change me or take away my happiness but simply add to it. I also promised myself that I would no longer waste my time on meaningless relationships that simply go nowhere. That I would wait patiently and actually BE WITH THE RIGHT PERSON. That the next person I decide to fall in love with and be with, would HAVE to be the right person. A really good person that everyone would approve of. And I would have to make sure of this. No exceptions. I promised myself to take all of the time I need to get over my ex, the right way, instead of jumping into the arms of a rebound or a “rescuer” and wait till I was ready for another real relationship. And that this would actually lead to somewhere, that I would not waste my time again, and that the feelings are real this time around. AND I WILL HOLD ONTO MY WORD.
The next will definitely supercede the rest. I promise you that. He will. I just know it. No more settling for less or anything other than the best because I truly do deserve nothing but the best, the best of the best to say the least. A top notch, gentleman at heart who knows exactly what he wants and has a real future going on for him. And I promised myself that with this one, I’d actually take him and introduce him to my brother<3 That’s how I will know that he is the one, actually. Because the rest never have, I never allowed one of them to enter and see that part of my life. But I realized recently that it was because they weren’t worthy enough and I wasn’t ready to reveal a side of my past like that to just anybody. But I will one day. And I just know that he will understand why and figure out the reasons to why I chose him, over all of the rest. It would all just make sense.
I just love those days when you’re so productive, despite having so many things to do all at once. It’s just one of those moments where you actually feel so proud of yourself for getting things done in so little time.
I feel so accomplished. Now I can sleep happily and not have to worry about anything. Good day, indeed. I’m on my A game and everything is somehow going my way for once. I can’t complain(:
I’d rather feel something, to feel wanted, to feel loved, to feel appreciated, to feel happy, or even to feel sad than feeling nothing, nothing at all. I used to think that feeling numb would be better because everything else hurts. But I lied. I was just lying to myself. Feeling nothing is just a way to run away from everything. To pretend that everything is okay. I have a big heart and I’m full of so many emotions, sometimes even all at once. And I think it’s better to feel something than to feeling nothing, to be bitter, cold, and heartless.
I came across this.. And then I remembered. It brought clarity to me.
I know where my heart is.
Since when was it ever best to let something GOOD go?
Because I never saw it that way. I guess what really matters the most is to remember the reasons to why you held on for so long, to why you chose to stay, to why you thought it was worth it in the first place. It’s better to TRY AND FAIL than to FAIL AND NOT TRY.
So if you’re sitting there about to give up, just ask yourself why.. Before you decide to blatantly let something go.
For so long, I blamed myself for so many different things. I kept trying to find reasons within myself because I just couldn’t blame someone else. I kept asking myself, “is there something wrong with me? Because I swear to you, people always leave.” For whatever reason, I kept putting the blame on myself. Even if I knew deep down that there was nothing more I could possibly do to make people want to stay. Somehow, I convinced myself that there WAS something obviously wrong with me. Because no one wanted to stay, they all just decided to walk away and leave for whatever reason they would give me or even worse, with no reason at all. Someone always found a reason or an excuse to leave. It’s painful you know, having someone just wake up one day and tell you that they can’t be with you anymore or that they can’t “stay” any longer. So they just decide to leave.. without a warning, a sign, or any indication. I wasn’t prepared for any of this. I wasn’t ready to have my heart broken again. I wasn’t ready to have everything just thrown away, or to lose my faith and trust in someone who I really cared about. But it happened anyways.
It was a cycle, people kept walking in and out of my life. Playing mind games, screwing up my emotions, and tearing my heart over and over again. You know, that girl you left… she left with you. She never came back. And every single time someone decided to just walk out of my life, I kept losing hope. I kept thinking that I was to blame. That there was something wrong with me, I felt so horrible like some screwed up person with no sense of direction. But the next time, someone decides to leave… I swear to you, I’ll just keep the door open and lead you to the way out. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep getting my hopes up just to have my walls come back up and for the pain to resurface again. So don’t blame me for feeling this way, for feeling so insecure and super cautious. These walls are up because certain people made me this way. And I’m sorry. But I’m so thankful for the ones who have stayed, the ones who willingly chose to stay, no matter what.
Right? Don’t you think so?
I’d rather have this, than nothing. Therefore, I cannot complain because in the end I’m still blessed.
Sometimes, you have to be reminded of the things that made you want to stay.. of why you two loved each other, and why you stayed together all of this time. Things happen for a reason, right? And often two people lose sight of the things that mattered and what made sense to them.. They get so caught up in everything else and forget why they’re even in a relationship with the other.. Or they let what other people say, get to their heads. But whatever it is, I think it makes a difference when you decide to sit down and talk about things, without anyone else there, without any distractions and just be.. together. To figure out what happened, what went wrong, and if things could be fixed.
I’ve seen this happen way too many times and it leads to so many unanswered questions, no sense of real closure, and inevitable pain.. So if things start going downhill, the best thing you two can do is to spend a day together alone and just talk about things.. to see if it’s still something worth fighting for, to see if there’s still something there, or if there’s something missing..
I’ll admit that sometimes it’s unbearable, to be without you. Especially on days when I need you the most. Sometimes, I don’t even know how I make it through the day without having you there by my side. But getting by with words of encouragement and support from you. I replay the sweet things you said to me in my mind, especially when I’m feeling down. You know, you’re one of the only things keeping me sane. You’re the one person who I know will always love me at the end of the day, no matter what happens. The one person who can always make my day with a simple “I love you. I miss you. I can’t wait to see you.” The only person who can still make me smile even when tears are falling down my face. Without you, there’s nothing inside of me. And I just admitted it to you earlier that you’re the empty space inside of me that I try to avoid. The empty space that I try to fill in, but I realize that there is absolutely nothing else in this world that can. Lately, I’ve been trying to avoid the fact that I am uncertain of when I’m going to see you next and the fact that I can’t see you everyday. I try my best to keep myself busy, just to ease away a little bit of the pain of not having you here with me. Some people don’t understand, they don’t get what it’s like.. what we have to go through every single day whenever we’re apart. But that doesn’t matter because I know that you feel the same exact way that I do & you understand.
All I want, really..
is to be able to come home to someone who loves me unconditionally, to have someone just hold me & tell me that everything is going to be okay, to have someone listen to me whenever I need to vent about everything, to just lay there right next to you, not having a care in the world because everything I want & need is lying there right next to me. I just want to be able to hold you, every single day & to not have to miss you so much. I just want to be able to see you every day because honestly that’s all I need to make my day & everything else better. I know I can’t have this right now or anytime soon, but hopefully one day I will.
I just found out that my GOLDEN BIRTHDAY is this year since I’m turning 19 on the 19th of August(: So that’s something to look forward to. I should do it big this year, like I always do every year ;D I have like about 6 months, but still. It just gives me an even better excuse to have another amazing birthday. Here’s to my last few years of being a teen. HAHA. I feel old already just thinking about it >.<
My past has a habit of haunting me. I don’t get it. I don’t seem to understand why. All of this nonsense is ridiculous. I don’t need to see things, neither do I need to see certain people or things in my dreams like this. It’s painful. It really does hurt. Because yeah I’ll admit that they were a part of my life & now they’re not anymore. I get it, you don’t have to constantly remind me of the past and the impact that they had on me before. I don’t get why it can’t just leave me alone. Why is my mind playing tricks on me, hurting me in ways that really starts to affect me in the long run. Please, just leave me alone & let me be happy. I don’t need any of this. Just make it stop. Erase it from my mind. I just want this to stop, and you don’t understand how hard I’m trying to just forget about everything. But you see, this isn’t really helping.
I don’t really like to celebrate Valentine’s day or well it’s my least favorite holiday, even if you have someone special to celebrate it with. WHY? Because it’s just a commercialized holiday that companies created to make more money. Why not just tell someone you love them, every single day? Heck, every single chance that you get. Instead of waiting for ONE DAY a year to celebrate it. Love should be celebrated every single day. It shouldn’t just be proclaimed on one stupid holiday. Not only that, but it is claimed as SAD or Single Awareness Day. Yeah, I’ve had my share of celebrating this day alone & it sucked. Because it made you realize that you have no one to share it with and wherever you go, you see all of these lovey dovey couples strolling around or you see cute gestures all around you. & when you look at yourself and realize that no one did that for you, you get sad.. It’s just ridiculous how some people make it such a big deal. So honestly, I could care less. It was more fun when you were younger because everyone had a valentine, we’d give each other candies, chocolates, and those cute little valentine’s day cards to everyone. No one would feel left out. I honestly think those were the best memories I have of this holiday. Because for once, it wasn’t such a big deal. Nowadays, everyone proclaims their “love” for one another with flowers, huge banners, boxes of chocolate, balloons, cards, Valentine’s day grams. But what I would want instead are those things on a random day of the week, just to say I love you. Not on a stupid holiday like everyone else. It’s typical. It’s cliche.
For all of you who think that they won’t have a Valentine this year, don’t even worry about it. It doesn’t make much of a difference honestly. & there is nothing wrong with being single. If you’re single and fabulous, then enjoy it(: My suggestion is to celebrate it with your friends & laugh at how silly it is. To me, it’s just another day honestly. I don’t even get to celebrate it with my boyfriend this year, I know it will make me sad seeing everyone on campus with their significant other & stuffs. But it’s no big deal. I deal with that every day that I’m not with him cause I’m so far away. It really is just another day.
Today, I met someone who’s from Arizona and moved all the way here in Irvine. He’s a first year too, but the thing that I admired about him was his reasons for choosing to go to UCI. He was telling me that he got accepted to BOTH UCLA & UCI. I was curious as to why he picked Irvine over LA. His answers were quite relevant and a bit inspiring to me, just because he CHOSE to go to Irvine. Mind you, UCLA was once my dream school and yes, I did cry when I didn’t get in. But just knowing that someone had the option of choosing between both and picked Irvine for such good, relevant reasons made me realize a lot. It made me realize that people & things aren’t often what they seem, that making assumptions lead you to nowhere, and that people don’t pick colleges just because of its “ranking”, name, prestigiousness, & all of those typical responses (in my opinion). People are wise in their decisions and thoroughly decide based on what they think is best for them. What bothers me the most though honestly, is the way that people look down upon Irvine just because it’s not ranked “high” alongside Berkeley, LA, or San Diego. & everyone WANTS to go there. Not gonna lie, I did too. But people always talk unnecessary & make commentary on Irvine, claiming that it’s “not all that great”. I for one, definitely think otherwise. But don’t you just hate that? People looking down upon your school because they don’t know ANY better? Because I do. I guess it just varies with certain people, but I can honestly say that I LOVE UCI. & I’m definitely glad & super thankful that I’m here. The people here are honestly super friendly, wonderful & you get to know them a lot better. You’ll see them on campus & no doubt, they will say hi to you every single time that they see you. You don’t feel like a nameless face in the crowd. It’s nice to see familiar faces all around. & I have met such amazing people here, instantaneously. UCI may be a smaller campus compared to others, but it’s quaint and it definitely feels like one big community. The clubs & organizations you join here become your family. And there are SO MANY options, literally. Academically, it’s still amazing & just as great as those OTHER schools. Irvine has a lot more to offer than most of you think. So don’t be so quick to judge and talk about it, when you have NO idea(: & neither am I being biased. Haha. I think I found my match, it suites me best. I am definitely happy here, no doubt. So hopefully YOU will find yours too.
My advice is to look at EVERY aspect of a school & witness it for yourself. Regardless of what other people think or say, try to find the place that suites you best & somewhere you can see yourself for the next 3-4 years. & Hopefully you won’t regret it.
Motivation? I think so. I want this back. Soon enough, I will.
Working at the ARC & dancing should help(: