I never realized how hard it is to balance everything at once. I had to learn the hard way that I can’t please everyone around me, that it’s so impossible to do so. I swear, I always have this tendency or well an urge to play the role of “superwoman” by doing everything for everyone and doing things only at the best of my ability. But I’d just find myself getting disappointed at myself for not doing things efficiently or fulfilling certain things on time. I know I shouldn’t feel this way because at least I’m trying, I’m trying my best but sometimes I just don’t feel like it’s good enough. I struggle every single time especially when there is so much on my plate at once or everything’s just happening at once, but I never like letting it show. I just feel so guilty sometimes, for not always being there for everyone around me when they need me the most or for being so MIA the past few months or for being so distant to those I really care about.

And if you’re reading this, please just remember that I’m not trying to do these kind of things on purpose. It’s just so hard to balance school, family, friends, and an actual social life all at once. Not to mention that my priorities are so different now than it was a year ago. But that doesn’t mean that I have forgotten about you, I could never do that. Because you’re always going to be my best friend(s), my confidant(s). Nothing can ever change that. I’m trying to be the best I can be even if I have to struggle to get there, I just promise that I will. And I will make it up to you. Just don’t distance yourself from me because it doesn’t feel like I’m always there because I AM, I ALWAYS WILL BE. You just have to put in the same amount of effort and I know that things will be fine. I’m just sorry, I really am. If things aren’t the same anymore or I’ve been MIA in your life. I hate making promises that I can’t keep. I hate it so much and it just kills me. 

This is why I don’t even know how it’s possible for me to have a love life when things are already chaotic, messy, and I’m just so… busy. It’s seriously the last thing on my mind and my least priority. I’m so focused on trying to be a better person and doing everything I set my mind to, that everything else falls second. Like my wing and I always say “our lives seriously consist of school and Kaba” at UCI. But we like it that way, there’s no complaining. Haha. But when I’m home, it’s a whole different story because I try to make up for lost time by spending time with my family and seeing everyone I can. But with so little time, it’s just so hard :(

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The thing is, sometimes I just need an outlet. I need a way to just express myself and let everything out. I get tired of holding it all in, holding back thoughts I wouldn’t dare speak of to anyone else, holding back things that I’ve always wanted to say to people. But I just can’t. Or maybe I just won’t let myself. I won’t let myself look like an idiot for speaking the truth, for being uninhibited and just allowing myself to just open up. I’m facing reality, I know that I am but am I really accepting whatever is being thrown at me or am I just avoiding it and learning to live with it. Trying to just deal with it and letting it all just hit me, all at once. I don’t even know anymore. Is this all worth it? Will I really get what I truly deserve in the end? I always ask myself these things and I swear, I’m just waiting for the answers. For the signs. I’m just waiting for a better tomorrow, a better ending, a better outcome. But right now, I don’t know. I just want someone to force me to open up, to help me realize what’s right in front of me, to yell at me when I’m doing something stupid, to set me straight, to tell me that I’m doing something wrong, and help me open my eyes. Just someone who would listen, without being biased and just hold me. Because it’s been quite awhile since the last time I actually cried. I’m just so tired. It’s like every single time I’m happy, something always has to happen and ruin it. Something always sets me back, reminds me of the past and all of the pain that I felt just comes rushing back. I don’t fucking get it. WHY? It’s so unfair. Living like this isn’t healthy, I know it’s not. All of this, yeah I’m just holding it all inside and hiding it. But who even gives a fuck? 

After ranting about the recent events that took place over the past few days to my Ksis, I realized so much. It’s not the fact that the so called “loneliness” is killing me because I’ve been living perfectly fine on my own despite missing a few little things, I know I’m doing just fine living without it. And neither do I crave the attention that I have been receiving, because I’d honestly rather not have that. I guess I just realized how I am nowhere near ready for anything. Everything has just been happening so fast that there’s barely any time for me to put my feet down and breathe, even just for a moment. I’m not ready, I still am a little bitter. I know I always jokingly say that I’m “damaged” and that I dislike all the attention that I’ve been receiving, but truth of the matter is.. I still can’t put myself out there again. Even to just test the waters and see what others have to offer. I just can’t. 

I can’t go down that road again when I’m not ready. And mind you, I’m in no rush. I don’t want to just settle for what’s right in front of me. Neither do I want to fool around or mess around with other people’s emotions just because I can notice and sense their attraction and feelings towards me. I just can’t do it. I won’t let myself. I’m not that girl. I don’t like the attention. I’d rather just live not knowing and simply brush everything aside. Because you see, this girl does have so much to offer the world but she’s just not ready to open herself up again. My heart’s still mending. It hasn’t even been that long since. I can’t just force it to happen, because it won’t. I want it to just simply happen all on it’s own and when I’m really ready. And I don’t think it’s fair. It’s not fair for me, and it wouldn’t be fair for anyone else either. Just get to know me better, that’s all I ask for. 

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I’ve kept my life private for the past few months now. I wanted to try something different for a change. I got tired of putting myself out there, for the world to see. I don’t know. And now when I think about it and look back on it, I think I made a good decision but why does it feel like I lost a lot of my life because of it? Crazy how much the internet and phones can change your life nowadays. I’m not always on tumblr, twitter, facebook, or whatever else everyone has and uses. I just live in the moment and deal with things, primarily on my own and I’ve learned not to rely on anyone else. Only those who need to know what’s up in my life, pretty much knows. And the thing is, so much has happened the last few months.. you don’t even know. But I’d like to just keep it that way. Some thoughts are just meant to be kept inside and not spoken. I’m just dealing with a lot all at once, trying to figure out what I really want and who I’ve become since so much time has passed. Life’s just constantly changing. It will never end. And at the same time I think I’m just letting things change, letting them come as they go and letting it leave whenever it’s time for it to just go. 

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Sometimes I sit back and think to myself, who am I? What have I done to myself? Questions that linger in the back of my mind that I can never seem to just get out of my head. Sometimes it feels like it’s not even me, like I’m just watching myself from a close distance. It’s like I know it’s me and that everything is real, but I swear it’s like I feel so different inside. It’s as if I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore, who I am, or what I’ve done that makes me feel this way. Sometimes it’s like I’m empty but at the same time, I’m still perfectly fine. Every single day that I wake up, it’s like a routine and somehow I just pull through the day like it’s nothing. I always find myself busy and surrounded by someone else, whether it’s on campus or even at my apartment. I don’t know. I’m just lost. It’s like I’m lost in myself, in my own world and I don’t know whether or not I’m trying to find a way out or a way to just blend in. Excuse me for rambling on, but my sickness isn’t helping and I know I’m about to knock out from all these meds. But I just don’t even know what’s going on in my mind, in my heart, and in my reality. It’s like I want someone to wake me up from this dream and snap some sense into me. All I know is that right now, I don’t like this feeling. And I want it to just stop. To just PAUSE for a second. Because I’m trying to make sense of things but somehow, I just can’t. I feel stuck. And I can’t even explain to anyone how I feel. 

You know what I’ve noticed? You never do anything first. You really don’t. I always find myself initiating things. I don’t understand you. Nothing ever makes sense to me anymore. It’s like one big contradiction. And now I don’t even know what to believe in anymore. Maybe, I shouldn’t believe in anything anymore.

Stop. Make it all go away, please. Because I refuse to go down that road again. I can only tolerate so much. I can only do so much. And there’s nothing left within me, everything is all lost and buried somewhere far away where I refuse to go. I’ve got nothing left to give.

There’s just so much going on right now. I’m a little overwhelmed. And the thing is though, there are just some things that I can’t share with anyone else. Even if I’d want to, I just can’t.. Sometimes I really wish that time would just slow down a little bit so that I can really take a breath and not have to worry about what’s happening next. Because lately, even my “going with the flow” mentality is failing. Everything just keeps on happening and I don’t know what more I can take, really. 

I honestly think that the one thing keeping me sane right now is just driving aimlessly around, without a real destination to go or just going anywhere where I don’t have the time to think about things. I feel like I can’t escape from certain things, it’s like it continues to haunt me or follow me wherever I go. Even when I’m sleeping for hours, I see and experience things in my dreams. I don’t know what more I can do, to just make it all go away. Even if it’s only for a little while. But yet at the same time, I’m really tired of running away. I don’t mean to actually, but somehow it just happens without me even realizing it. 

If only, you really knew what’s been on my mind. If only you knew what I felt deep down inside. If only, you knew what really mattered. If only you knew the truth. Then maybe, you’d understand. But I can’t.. I won’t let myself. I’d rather just keep this all to myself. And I’m tired of making everyone around me worry. Asdfghjkl, I want it to all just go away. I just want to get better. 

I’ve decided that I will no longer leave my thoughts here. It’s not safe here anymore. I will rant elsewhere, a place where no one else will know. 

FUCKITTHUGLIFE. 

I’ll be honest with you, of course I want to fix things and work things out between us. But what hurts me the most, are your spiteful, blunt words that you say to me when you’re angry. You don’t seem to understand how those words can really affect me, to the point where I cringe & start crying whenever I think about the things you just said to me. To you, they may just be words or how you really feel, but do you not see how much of an impact they really have on me? It’s not something easy to just “get over”, you can’t just brush it off & act like nothing happened. It’s not something I can just ignore and let go. You can’t expect me to not stay at mad at you after all of the things you said. Yeah, I get that you’re not gonna try to sugar coat anything but still.. I think you need to watch what you say and how you say it. Especially to me.. Because how is that supposed to fix and make things better? In the middle of an argument, what makes you think that saying such things are going to be okay? I try to watch what I say when I’m upset, I don’t make decisions when I’m mad. I’ve learned my lesson from before. But I’m sorry that you find my “passive aggressiveness” annoying -___- What do you want me to do? That’s just how I am. But honestly, you’re just doing this to yourself. I honestly feel like I did nothing wrong this time. I didn’t even say anything to hurt you or offend you, but you took it the wrong way. & I honestly felt like you were finding reasons to get mad at me, you weren’t being supportive at all, & kept complaining about all of the things you hate that I do. Well gee, thanks. I really wanted to hear that.. But you make things so difficult, you make it so hard. Harder than it needs to be. If only you could take a step back & look at things from another point of view and you’d see why I’m hurting like this. But I hate it.. So much. I’m slowly getting fed up with this redundancy. & right now, I feel stuck and so confused with what to do. Cause I don’t even know what to do anymore. 

I’m sorry I’m NOT PERFECT. I’m sorry I fuck up all the time too, according to you. I’m sorry you find so many things annoying about me. I’m sorry I do “this” to myself all the time. 

Words can’t even explain how I’m really feeling right now. I’m calling it a night. 

I wish I didn’t care as much I do. I officially give up. I don’t want to have to feel this way anymore. I hate how the littlest things affect me. I hate how people constantly complain about the dumbest things, when I’m the one who’s struggling & NOT even complaining. I hate how no matter how hard I try, I fail. I hate how I hold things in and hold back on a lot of things that I want to say, just because I’d rather have myself hurting instead. I hate how people think it’s OKAY for them to do CERTAIN things, when obviously it affects me in some way & it pretty much IS like a big deal to me. I hate how I feel like there’s always so much pressure on me. I hate how I feel like I’m never going to be good enough, because in your eyes, I keep screwing up. I hate how some people will constantly remind me of my mistakes & my past. I hate how I give my all to people, but I don’t get shit back. I hate how I wear my heart on my sleeve and constantly get hurt. It’s like I set myself up for this kinna` shit because I’m too nice. I hate how some people take advantage of me & my kindness, thinking that they can just get away with it. I hate how people think they can just walk in & out of my life, like it’s nothing. I hate how some people are so inconsiderate of me & my feelings. I hate how I tolerate so much shit that people do to me & allow them to just hurt me, over & over again. But yanno what? FUCK THIS. I’m tired of hurting like this, I’m sick of it all. 

I just want to runaway and be alone. So don’t be surprised if I shut you out of my life, it’s only temporarily. But I feel like, you just won’t understand. 

I don’t need people like YOU in my life. You’re just a waste of my time. Completely unnecessary. I hate feeling unappreciated, used, & replaced. I’m tired of giving people like you second chances all of the time, because in the end I know that you won’t change, that things won’t change. & that i’m just doing this to myself, all over again. If you really knew me, you would KNOW that I’m sick & tired of getting hurt by the same type of assholes over and over again. You would KNOW that I don’t tolerate bullshit and lies. You would KNOW that once I get close to you and open up to you, that I trust you & WOULD pretty much do anything and everything for you, because I always go out of my way for people who I really care about. & you WOULD know that I’m sick of people treating me like this, therefore I will simply walk away before I hurt some more. Once you’ve hurt me, that will be the last impression that I have of you. I won’t be a bitch because I can’t hold grudges & neither can I stay mad at a person for so long, that’s just how big hearted I am. Buuuttt, I will definitely always keep in mind what YOU did, what YOU said, & how YOU hurt me. It will always be in the back of my mind. I will take your apology, accept it, but that doesn’t mean that things will ever go back to the way they used to be. So whatevs, goodbye. That’s it. I’m so done with people like you. END OF STORY. 

No regrets though, I’m just going to brush it off & move on. I deserve better than this.

Everyone is afraid of something. & I think that I just figured out one of mine. The fear of being alone. I never noticed how much I hated the feeling of emptiness & loneliness. I think it’s one of the worst feelings to feel. I’ll admit that it’s nice to have your “alone” time just for yourself, but sometimes, at least for me, it isn’t always a good thing. Whenever I spend too much time alone, I think.. A LOT. A lot of thoughts consume my mind already, just imagine when I’m quiet.. It’s utter chaos in my mind. I try to find ways to keep myself busy so that I won’t have to think such thoughts in my mind, because that’s when I have the time to sit & thoroughly contemplate on all of the BAD, the negativity in my life. & I absolutely hate it. I’m a happy person, I’m very optimistic, & I just enjoy the company of others always being around me. I think these thoughts and these feelings will be the death of me.. they have a way of overtaking my body, my mind, & rupture hidden emotions inside of me that I know I wouldn’t even admit to if I was already too preoccupied with other things. I HATE THIS FEELING. I HATE FEELING LIKE I’M ALONE. I HATE FEELING LIKE I CAN’T JUST SIT & RANT ABOUT MY DAY OR FEELINGS TO SOMEONE, IN PERSON. I really miss that feeling and it accounts for some of the reasons why I miss being in LA & high school. Because being here, is a completely different story for me. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. It makes me miss home & my loved ones at home even MORE than I already do. 

& yet, I blame myself for this. I really do. It’s MY fault. I’m stupid for being kawawa like this. Stupid, stupid girl. There’s something wrong with me. Fuck this shit.